Car Phone
C.W. McCall, Bill Fries, Chip Davis; parody lyrics by Karen Sheeler and Wade Sheeler

Sheeler and Sheeler released this parody of “Convoy” in 1990, as Hellion single 424012.

“Car Phone” can be found on the album Dr. Demento’s 25th Anniversary Collection.


[Bill, on his car phone]
Tina, Tina, this is Bill, I’m on the 4-Oh-5 just past Mulholland. My ETA should be 8:15. What’s today’s agenda?

[Tina]
You’ve got a huddle here with McKimson and Klein at 8:30. A brunch meeting at the Polo Lounge at 11:30, and a new presentation at 2.

[Bill]
Okay, call Jack; tell him to stall Klein until 8:45. Change the reservations to Citrus for brunch and pick up my dry cleaning. Beep me if there’s a problem. It’s a good thing I have a car phone.

It was smog-filled morning in old L.A.
Freeway shootings in Sepulveda Pass
Another dumb driver just cut me off
Thank god I purchased bullet-proof glass
I’ve got meetings, luncheons, a tennis game
And drinks with Sylvester Stallone
I book up my busy calendar
On my brand new shiny car phone, ta-ta!

[Chorus]
He’s got a bitchin’ car phone
He thinks he owns the road
Yeah, he’s got a brand-new car phone
He’s stuck in the yuppie mode
Since he has a brand-new car phone
You better not get in his way
He’s gonna use that car phone
To make his name in L.A.
Car phone!

[Bill, on his car phone]
Hector, Hector, this is B.M. [pause] BILL MURDOCK. Yeah, pick up fifty shares of Exxon and get me a portfolio update. Yes, now.

A drunk is blocking the lanes ahead
He’s weaving at a frightful rate
So I get on the phone with the CHP
Give the number on his license plate
Tina, Tina, this is Bill
And I’ve hardly moved an inch
Can you push my meeting up until 9?
I’m really in a pinch

[Chorus]
He’s got a bitchin’ car phone
He thinks he owns the road
Yeah, he’s got a brand-new car phone
He’s stuck in the yuppie mode
Since he has a brand-new car phone
You better not get in his way
He’s gonna use that car phone
To make his name in L.A.
Car phone!

[Bill, on this car phone]
Yeah, fax it to my car fax: 555-7672. Get Shirley to voice-verify. Yes, I’ll be at my car phone.

Bill Murdock, please hold.
Bill Murdock, please hold.
Bill Murdock, please hold.
This is Bill Murdock.

[Woman’s voice]
Bill?

Who is this?

Whaddya mean, “who is this?” This is your wife!

Oh, oh, I’m losing you. I’m going under a freeway overpass. Sorry.

So there I was at Spago, and who comes to my table but Parker Stevenson?

[A giggling, girlish voice] Um, really? How cool!

Yes, and I said, “Parker, babe, I still watch your Hardy Boy reruns.”

[Girl] Oh my god! Me too!

(Car horn honks) Hey, watch where you’re goin’, you yuppie pig!

Oh, of course. I’d expect that from someone who drives a Hyundai. Your car has no frame, bim-bo. It doesn’t get any better than this. Uh-huh.

I can shop at Saks at the touch of a key
It surely is a wonderful life
I need my loyal assistant
To pick me up a gift for my wife
I’ve got a mistress out in Malibu
Keeping up this indiscretion is hard
I can damn well talk as long as I want
I charge it on my Optima card, tra-la

[Chorus]
Yeah, he’s got a great big car phone
He’s havin’ himself a ball
Yes, he’s got a mighty car phone
He’s gonna smash into a wall (brakes squeal)
I’m just a lowly peon
His wish is my command
When he dies they’ll find that comm line
Clutched in his hand
Car phone!

Call Brockman, Hersheim, and Werner and Lou
We’ve got a conference call at 10
Then get my get decorator on the line
I wanna see the curtains for my den
A cop is pulling me over now
He’ll probably hold a grudge
As soon as he gets that phone call
From my father-in-law, the judge, ta-ta

[Bill, on his car phone]
Sorry, love, the alimony payment will be late this month; I need new Ray-Bans. “Phantom of the Opera”? Of course I’ve seen it; don’t be gauche. Domino’s Pizza, can you deliver? I’m on the eastbound 10. Groovy.